Being Authentically Empathetic

I’m a blessed daughter and granddaughter.

I’ve had the privilege to learn from a chronically ill mother how to make the most of life no matter the circumstances. While I would jump at the chance to erase the suffering aggressive Lupus has inflicted on her body for the past 20 years, I wouldn’t change the effect it’s had on her emotions, mind, and spirit.  My mother’s deepened understanding of the source of her worth and identity (detached from her pre-illness performance, status, and appearance) has produced a truly joyful and positive woman. And though I would do anything to restore the use of my Papa’s legs after 15 years of watching him handle paralysis and confinement to a wheelchair with grace, I wouldn’t change the impact his trial has had on those around him.

When people find themselves trapped within bodies intent on betraying an appearance of health, prone to genetic diseases, or disabled by the consequences of an accident, their minds and the spirits are forced to adapt and establish a new tolerance for pain, disappointment, anger, and sadness. The nightmare of becoming suddenly unable to execute everyday functions, stripped of some or all basic abilities, takes time to process and often requires a journey through many stages of grief.  

So the questions I set out to answer are these:

How can I be authentically empathetic?

How can I emotionally, spiritually, and physically support people who are suffering from a disability or chronic illness?

Anyone who has ever felt heartbreak, pain, joy, excitement, or fear (so all humans) can show authentic empathy towards others. And here's how I've personally found that possible:

1.     When we haven’t personally experienced a trial but wish to understand it, we must take the time to ask questions and really listen to the answers.

We have the opportunity to lend an ear and hear what others experience. Their journeys are unique and deserve the same tender acknowledgment that has touched us so deeply during our own seasons of hardship. We must remember the healing comfort that comes when people actively listen.

2.     We can’t expect the person suffering to comfort us when we feel the pain of sympathy.

One thing I’ve learned while working at Hallmark’s corporate headquarters, specifically from listening to the African American community discuss emotions about Black History month, is that people trying to process their own pain don’t appreciate being pressured to console others vicariously affected. Outsiders looking in at people’s pain need to rise up as pillars of support, understanding, and stability. Yes, we should recognize and express our own secondary pain. But to expect consolation from the sufferer is insensitive and draining, placing yet another burden on his or her shoulders.

3.     We must have the humility to admit when we don’t know how to best support someone suffering and ask for help. 

Sometimes we just don’t know what to do or say to comfort someone, especially when we can’t personally relate to the suffering. Instead of assuming we know what’s best and acting in ways that could inadvertently do more damage than good, we should allow hurting people to point us in the right direction. After all, they are the experts and know exactly what they need, be it a listening friend, practical assistance, prayer, or simply a sweet text here and there to check in. By following their lead and humbly asking for guidance, we save time and energy while showing respect. Honoring the sufferer in this way allows him or her the safety to be authentic and the freedom to speak openly. 

What I’ve learned from years of observing many people, most importantly my strong mother and Papa, is that those caught in the throngs of a disability need friends to stay connected and supportive, even if all those friends can do is give some time and lend an ear. Taking a step back from people because we don’t know what to do is not a wise route, heaping isolation and bitterness onto already painful situations. If we genuinely care about others, we must do what we can to make them feel seen, heard, and supported no matter what. That is what love looks like.

How can we make a difference? We lean in. Though we yearn to know all the right words and tactics, standing beside each other to lean as one into life’s mixed moments of pain, celebration, loss, and joy is what makes humanity beautiful and brings the deepest kind of healing.

Dealing with Your Self Worth

How do you feel about YOUrself? 

Just like you, I've struggled to feel worthy, accepted, approved of, valuable, needed...  

We all have varying understandings of our stripped down sense of self - who we are without the additions of accomplishments, possessions, and our physical appearance.

We all, no matter where we're at on the spectrum of feeling content with ourselves, tend to want to be "better" than we currently are. Sometimes we truly just want to be the "best". Wanting to be better and grow as a person is truly positive to a point, but when does it become a negative force that torments your mind?

Here's what I think...

Have You Left Your First Love?

We mean well, my fellow believers and I.

When it comes to our intentions, I have no doubt that we long to live in a way that reflects our love for Christ. We engage in church, use our interests and talents to serve, join homegroups, muster up courage to share Jesus with our coworkers, and pray faithfully for that friend or family member who doesn’t know Christ. 

But in the midst of our noble intentions, sometimes we get caught up in doing, determined to produce evidence that we are true disciples. It’s astounding how our efforts to do good, be good, and offer good can render us desperately weary when we’ve shifted our focus away from our first love.

While studying Revelation recently, I was forced to pause, struck by contents of the letter that Jesus instructed John to send the church in Ephesus. Instead of commending the church for its dedication to good works, the message rebuked it for prioritizing doing. The community of believers had left their first love, had sacrificed intimacy with Christ for an appearance of diligent discipleship. Where Jesus called the church to simply be in relationship with Him, the church chose to do.

“I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance.  I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name,and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had a first.”  –Revelation 2:2-4

How relevant this is to us today.

So often, well-meaning Christians fixate on the doing and miss the being. The secular world constantly encourages us to find worth in our performance and achievements. The eternal grind to measure up is exhausting. At times, it can seem like God’s people are becoming increasingly influenced by the world’s standards, indoctrinated to believe that value is found in success, drowning in the same ocean of busyness, stress, and confusion as everyone else. I myself struggle to silence the notion that I must do more to be more.

Think back to when you first entered a personal relationship with Christ. Remember the joy that filled you, the rush of immense hope, the sense that everything would be different now. Remember how you craved to know Jesus more, how you thirsted for intimacy with Him. What happened to squelch that first love? How can you rekindle the flame?

Jesus answers these questions today with the same message He sent the church in Ephesus all those centuries ago: When you find yourself hurtling through the chores that crowd your busy schedule, when your soul creaks under the pressure to keep responsibilities afloat, even as you offer your time and effort in my name, “repent and do the things you did at first.” (Rev. 2:5) 

God often speaks these words to my heart, saying, “My child, no matter how much good you try to do for me, your works will never replace the love relationship I yearn for.”

So, I slow down.

I reflect.

I ask God to show me what idols have replaced just being with Him.

I repent for prioritizing doing over being.

I accept His love and grace all over again, resting in the knowledge that He is not condemning me; rather, He is lovingly realigning my focus, intentions, and heart with His.

And once more, as intimacy with Jesus swells within my spirit like nothing else ever has or will, I am washed in a peace that surpasses understanding. (Phil. 4:7)

My prayer is that you will remember God’s number one desire: that you love Him. I pray that you will meditate on His first and greatest commandment to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matt. 22:37) It is in this place of unadulterated passion that you will find the deepest peace, the greatest freedom, and the ability to love.